• About
  • Driving Home the Movie
  • Just Plain Something Podcast

Just Plain Something

  • About
  • Driving Home the Movie
  • Just Plain Something Podcast

Home  /  Movie News  /  If Emmerich DOES direct Asteroids
11 June 2011

If Emmerich DOES direct Asteroids

Written by Katie Schenkel
Movie News Asteroids, Atari, Battleship, Godzilla, Michael Bay, Pac-Man, Roland Emmerich, Shia Labeouf, Super Mario Bros, The Day After Tomorrow, The Patriot, video game adaptaions, video games 3 Comments

Certain movies are just bad ideas from the start. Any movie that takes their plot from a game that has no real plot is just asking for trouble. There’s supposed to be a Battleship movie, for instance, which boggles my mind. But there is also supposed to be an Asteroids movie… that’s right, based on the game Asteroids. A game that had no storyline, just constant shooting of asteroids and UFOs. If Super Mario Brothers (a child-friendly game with some semblance of a storyline) couldn’t be made into a good film, what makes you think Asteroids has a chance?

So, when you’re looking for a movie just about blowing up aliens with the biggest explosions possible, what director do you turn to? ….No, Michael Bay is busy. ….That’s right, Roland “Well, he’s not as bad as Uwe Boll” Emmerich. If you can’t remember, this is the man who brought us the Godzilla remake, Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow and 2012, just to name a few. At the moment he isn’t officially the director, but he has apparently been offered the job.


In that article, Vulture describes the plot as:

The remnants of human civilization are now living on far-flung colonies within an asteroid belt alongside aliens. The survivors were led to believe that this alien civilization was benevolent, rescuing them from doom, but ultimately discover that the aliens have engineered Earth’s destruction, and soon will do the same for the rest of humankind.

If Emmerich does end up in the director’s chair, here are some things I’m going to bet will make it into the film based on his previous work:

  • Bland love interests, at least two pairs.
  • Gigantic explosions all the main character escape from unscathed.
  • A multitude of minor characters who get just enough screen time for the main characters to scream their names when these minor characters are killed.
  • At least one dog surviving the carnage while countless soldiers perish.
  • Our hero as the one man who somehow knows exactly what’s really going on, but no one listens to.
  • A mean, bitter older man who instantly disagrees with whoever our hero is (extra points if he looks like Dick Chaney).
  • A horribly contrived solution to get rid of the aliens, explained by a simple analogy (extra points if they give the alien a cold).
  • And… Strippers.

To be fair, Emmerich has done a couple of decent movies like The Patriot and Eight Legged Freaks, the latter being his only monster/disaster movie that seems to understand how goofy it really is. I even like Independence Day for what it is. And I understand that there is a place in this world for crazy action movies with big explosions… I just don’t like the idea of Asteroids the game becoming one of those movies. The biggest thing for me when it comes to video game to movie adaptations is that the movie has to be based mostly on the game itself. It should remind you of the fun you had playing the game. This looks like a movie about aliens on asteroids, but it doesn’t seem to really be based on the game.

Could this movie be good? Sure, if it’s well written and well cast. And Emmerich could even surprise us and make this one of his better films. But making a movie like this and saying it’s based on Asteroids is potentially setting a very bad precedent. How many more movies will be funded because they use a plotless 80s game as the hook for the studio’s approval? I’m really, really afraid we’re going to get a Pac-Man movie within the next ten years… and he’ll be played by Shia LeBeouf.

God have mercy on us all.

Share On
 Previous Article PotterWatch #29
Next Article   Firefly Week on CliqueClack

Related Posts

  • ‘Safety Not Guaranteed’ writer is coming to Pixar

    December 1, 2012
  • Much Ado About Nothing is coming in June 2013

    Much Ado About Nothing is coming in June 2013

    December 1, 2012
  • Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Batman? I’ll believe it when I see it.

    November 27, 2012

3 Comments

  1. DJ raz0rblade Reply to DJ to DJ raz0rblade" aria-label=' Reply to DJ to DJ raz0rblade'> Reply to DJ
    June 11, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    Didn't he also work on Stargate? I'm talking about the James Spader/Kurt Russell movie, not the TV series. I actually really like that movie……

  2. DuffmanMedic Reply to DuffmanMedic to DuffmanMedic" aria-label=' Reply to DuffmanMedic to DuffmanMedic'> Reply to DuffmanMedic
    June 11, 2011 at 10:18 pm

    You know, that whole use of the name 'Asteroids' really is a waste of time. From my point of view, they only use it as a recognisable name so that people will go see it.

    A true 'Asteroids' movie would have to have the ship shooting asteroids as the plot setting, and a story written about the people in it, perhaps how they struggle to keep up with living while simultaneously having to work around a hostile environment, with schedules of who has to take control of the cannon to shoot the asteroids to keep them alive, all the while dealing with the usual human problems ie Birth, death, marriage, love.

    Hang on, this sounds like a plot for an awesome new television series…

    Dibs.

    • Kschenke Reply to Kschenke to Kschenke" aria-label=' Reply to Kschenke to Kschenke'> Reply to Kschenke
      April 15, 2012 at 4:00 am

      Knowing our luck, Duff, your show would be cancelled after a month.

Leave a Reply

Cancel reply

Popular Posts

Support us on Patreon

Social Media

Just Plain Something Archive

  • My Star Wars: The Force Awakens Hypothesis That I’m Pretty Sure is Right August 16, 2015
  • What was The Master about, again? October 29, 2012
  • Sex, Gender and Hard Candy October 4, 2012
  • Glutton for Punishment: or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Allspark September 22, 2012

Archive

  • 2017
    • December
    • November
    • July
    • June
    • May
    • March
    • February
    • January
  • 2016
    • December
    • November
    • October
    • September
    • August
    • July
    • June
    • May
    • April
    • March
    • February
    • January
  • 2015
    • December
    • November
    • October
    • September
    • August
    • July
    • June
    • May
    • April
    • March
    • February
    • January
  • 2014
    • December
    • November
    • October
    • September
    • August
    • July
    • June
    • May
    • April
    • March
    • February
    • January
  • 2013
    • December
    • November
    • July
    • June
    • May
  • 2012
    • December
    • November
    • October
    • September
    • August
    • July
    • June
    • May
    • April
    • March
    • February
    • January
  • 2011
    • December
    • November
    • October
    • September
    • August
    • July
    • June
    • May
    • April
    • March
    • February
    • January
  • 2010
    • December
    • November
    • October
    • September
    • August
    • July
    • June
    • May
    • April
    • March
    • February
    • January
  • 2009
    • December
    • November
    • October
    • September
    • August
    • July

Twitter

Recent Posts

  • Star Wars: The Last Jedi – Driving Home the Movie
  • The Shape of Water – Driving Home the Movie
  • Justice League – Driving Home the Movie
  • Thor: Ragnarok – Driving Home the Movie
  • Spider-Man: Homecoming – Driving Home the Movie

Random Posts

  • PotterWatch #18 August 22, 2010
  • Hellooo Christmas! November 28, 2009
  • Review: The Secret of Kells May 1, 2010

Recent Comments

  • Felicity on Rogue One: A Star Wars Story – Driving Home the Movie
  • Travis on Warcraft – Driving Home the Movie
  • Keanu on Keanu – Driving Home the Movie
  • Kate on Let’s Play with Mike – Hearthstone: The Grand Crusade – Part 1

Categories Archive

  • Movie Analysis
  • Movie Review
  • Movie News
  • Movie Preview
  • Movie Trailer
  • Just Plain Series
  • Off Screen
  • Guest Review
  • PotterWatch
©Katie Schenkel and Just Plain Something, Copyright 2015.