You know, some movies just should not be made. Some movies can’t be saved from being stupid because their concepts just don’t work. From looking at the trailer, Battleship looks to be that kind of movie. Scratch that, even when I first heard about this movie be made, Battleship looked to be that kind of movie. How do you make a movie based on Battleship, a board game with no characters and no story? Well, they made it anyway. Just… watch the trailer.
So, let’s just get it out … pegs. How in the hell do you make a super-serious melodramatic Battleship movie and keep the pegs! They stick out like a sore thumb… or like pegs! Because they’re pegs! You can’t give us a trailer full of straight forward naval cliches, setting us up for a straight forward movie, and then BOOM, PEGS! The aliens were less out of place.
OK, speaking of the aliens – why are there aliens? When were aliens ever in Battleship? I ask because besides the pegs (which are stupid on their own in this movie), the film doesn’t have any real ties to the game, and the alien attackers are right at the top of that list. True story: earlier in the week, I was ranting to my mom about this movie. Ever the devil’s advocate, she suggested that board game could make a good movie because the game didn’t have any characters, so the writers create whatever they want. I countered by telling her the bad guys are aliens. She went silent on the phone, then replied, “OK, you have a point.”
The saddest thing is, besides the ridiculousness of the pegs, the rest of the movie just looks bland. Did anyone else get a “picnic scene from Armageddon” feel from the first half of the trailer? The only pull for me is True Blood‘s Alexander Skarsgård, who might be interesting. But… I’m not holding my breath.