Oh, Twilight. What can I really say about this series? It’s just … man, does it get stupid. Yesterday I tried to explain to someone who only read the first part of the first book what the rest of the series is like (as someone who has watched the movies – thankfully with Rifftrax). She started getting really sad when I explained that the werewolves are Native Americans who can get angry and attack their girlfriends but their girlfriends stay with them because they didn’t really mean it. Oh, and don’t forget the character who forces a kiss on the protagonist and later falls in love with the protagonist’s newborn. And that’s supposed to be the less creepy love interest! Progressive!

Many of you will remember my two part 90 minute drunk tirade after seeing Breaking Dawn pt. 1. I ripped it a new one for it’s many stupidities and more so for the really crappy messages it sends to its fans about what a healthy relationship should be … including falling in love with babies. I’m sorry, I just can’t let that go! So I hesitated in watching the trailer for Breaking Dawn pt. 2, but it’s useless to avoid it since it’ll be beaten into my brain on TV in a couple months. So here it is.

I mean, in some ways it could easily be the most tolerable of all the movies because so many of the godawful parts of the story have been resolved: Bella won’t be complaining about not being a vampire, Bella won’t be constantly in danger of being killed or throwing herself off a cliff, Bella won’t complain about Edward refusing to bone her, Edward won’t constantly object to them being together/Bella wanting to be a vampire, Jacob won’t constantly tell Bella she should be with him. Etc. Etc. Etc. Too bad the child bride thing is still going to be a big part of this movie.

There’s also something really telling about how invincible Meyer made Bella. Apparently everyone decides that Bella is the best vampire to ever vamp, so now the fangirl’s fill-in is loved by everyone, married to a handsome rich guy and is superpowered and superpretty. Just that aspect makes me think this movie is going to be … really boring, even from a riffing standpoint.

Oh, two fun stories: a while ago there were some promotional photos of Bella, Edward and their child. My boyfriend saw the photo and (since we’ve watched the past movies with Rifftrax) asked, “So this last movie is set five years later?” and I had to explain the creepy fast-growing baby that Jacob Black plans to marry once she looks of age. A few weeks later we saw the shorter of the teaser trailers and I mockingly said, “We’re the same temperature now.” He laughed before pausing and saying, “… Wait, that’s not actually from the movie, is it?” In both stories, his response was horror and disappointment in the human race.